As an experiment, I decided to get involved in the BDSM/Kink community online. I joined Fetlife, which is a website that is advertised as being like Facebook, but for people with fetishes. It says that it is not a dating site, it’s a website to get to know other fetishists or talk to people you already know. Which I already knew what going to be bullshit, I knew there would be people trying to “meet up,” or whatever. Now I’m going to share my experience and the dangerous mentality a lot of these people have.
First of all, I will say that there are people on there who are not into abuse-type fetishes, like feet or hair fetishes. And some people seem to be using it as more of a social networking site, but a LARGE majority is BDSM. Of course there is the sections that have the BDSM members who say they aren’t actually abusive or dangerous. There’s forums for people who are “Against Real Violence and Abuse Towards Women,” or “Fetlifers Against Pedophilia.” But for all the groups that say they don’t “actually abuse,” there are dozens more that boast over the fact that they abuse.
Let me start off with my first day, I joined and specifically wrote on my profile that I am not looking for a hook-up or a relationship. That I am not into BDSM and that I don’t appreciate it when people talk down to me or don’t respect my boundaries. The first couple messages I got were from people who say they are greeters and they told me “welcome,” and said if I had any questions just ask them. Not long after that I got messages from members, there were a few who just wanted to talk about things like video games and some just said “hello.” Then I got some from people who clearly think it’s funny to push people’s boundaries. I got several messages from self-titled dominants saying that I just need a dom in my life to show me that I would like it. One said that he’s the right man to dominate me and show me who is really in charge. One person said I assert myself like a dominant female and should find a malesub to abuse. And one of the messages I got was from a man who said that he saw I’m not looking for anyone but he just wanted to let me know that he wanted to ”hold me down and gape my pussy by fisting it.”
My first hour on Fetlife and I was already finding predatory behavior. I went on to start and contribute in discussions and some of the things I heard people saying made my stomach turn. There are things that the website claims to ban, but it’s obvious they don’t enforce it. Incest, beastiality, and pedophilia are not allowed but the forums are littered with discussions about these fetishes. There are members who point out that the website doesn’t really enforce their rules all the time. I’m just going to make a list of comments and discussions I actually saw on here, and I saved them to my computer so these are word-for-word.
- There is a forum for people who get turned on by actual news stories of rape. ”Documentaries about sex trafficking are just the best. Not only do you get tearful interviews with the victim, they’re practically how-to videos for the aspiring collector or entrepreneur.” Or “I absolutely LOVE the thought of old men taking advantage of/raping little girls.. the reasoning behind it is that I love the idea of wanting someone SO BADLY that they just can’t stop, no matter how sick it it—they just HAVE to touch them and take their innocence away.” Someone even said “these people just had to the guts to follow what comes naturally to them, nothing that ends in an orgasm can be bad.” Yuck.
- One forum is so people can talk about their perfect society and what laws they would abolish. Literally every single person that answered wanted forms of abuse to be legalized. Rape, sexual harassment, domestic violence, verbal and physical abuse were mentioned by every responder. One even said that they wanted it to be legal for men to “abuse cunts to death,” and people agreed. Another person said that they don’t think rape is wrong because “it’s been around since the dawn of time and we just live in a society that says it’s wrong.”
- There is a forum for female subs to talk and one section was discussing when their dom punishes them when they aren’t supposed to. Like, if they aren’t in a 24/7 dom/sub relationship sometimes the dominant forgets and punishes the girl anyways. Most of them talk about how they did something that made their boyfriend mad and he punished her. Hitting, pepper spray, and shoving things in the girls mouth were all examples I read. And the sad thing is that these girls all said that they deserved it and shouldn’t have made him mad.
- To me the most problematic group was on that talked about raising their daughters to be submissives. Men and women both saying that if they have daughters they would teach them from an early age that they are inferior to men and that they need to be submissive to males sexually and otherwise. Some even talk about how it’s their fantasy to have their “own little fucktoys in the house.” And this is seriously a response I got for speaking out against it. “Honestly if he is going to fuck my daughter it wouldn’t make much of a difference. I’d rather know about it and be there to make sure everything is safe!!!” Disgusting mentality.
- The most active group I had discussions in was one saying women should have no rights. Most posters think that women shouldn’t even have the right to say “no,” when it comes to sex. “A woman should NEVER have the right to say no. It’s her duty to be sexually available to men whenever.” Some say that the only value women have is to be a “cook, maid, and whore to her man.” Viewing women as nothing but property was the reoccurring theme here.
- "Anorexia - The Closer to the Bone the Sweeter the Meat," is another group on Fetlife. It’s a group that is for anorexics and people who are sexually aroused by them. But the group also says that they allow "people with bulimia and other forms of self-harm and low self esteem." It’s mostly a bunch of posts of girls asking if they should stop eating or how much they should lose. And of course all these men are telling them that they should be anorexic and should be thin enough to see bones. Of course they request that they get to see pictures of the process. This honestly pisses me off, convincing women to starve themselves and damage their bodies just to get off.
It’s interesting that the arguments I always see defending BDSM is that “it’s consensual,” or that “nobody actually wants to rape someone or have sex with children, it’s just fantasy.” Clearly that’s not how everyone thinks and this website proves it. I’m especially curious about the people who think that a perfect society is one were rape and abuse is legal. Mainly because the big argument is BDSM is about consent, but if all rape was legal it wouldn’t be about consent, would it?
Anyways, make what you will of my little experiment. I know I’m sick of hearing all these disturbing things and seeing profile pictures of women being bruised up and abused.
I had to read this with one hand over my mouth and the other on my stomach. I nearly got sick during the majority of this read, but it is a NECESSARY READ if you can handle it. This is an ASTOUNDING endeavor taken upon by the6thsiren. I would NEVER be able to stomach such a terrifying, enlightening task.
Thank you, and I’m so, so sorry. I can only imagine what this was like to go through. You are amazing.
Personally I would love to see the outingtransphobes page go into the “TRAP” , “Shemale” and “Tranny” tag and take on some of those people.
those are all porn blogs and most of us just ignore them because we kinda get tired of seeing the fetishization everywhere. they arent people actively saying/doing transphobic things, esp not under the guise of activism also that is not your slur to reclaim
Wait. So fetishism and the use of trans bodies for male pleasure (via degradation no less) is not doing harm?
Maaaan, check your fucking priorities.
When Lily Evans told James Potter that she wouldn’t go out with him because he was a bully, he stopped bullying people and redeemed himself. When Lily told Severus Snape that she wouldn’t go out with him because he called her a racial slur, he went on to join a racist terrorist group.
Conclusion: James Potter handled rejection much better than Severus Snape does.